


the bottom of a swimming pool

by isimpforbokuto



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Depressed Tsukishima Kei, First Love, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, So much angst, Third Year Tsukishima Kei, Third Year Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei's family - Freeform, minor injury
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:35:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27614278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isimpforbokuto/pseuds/isimpforbokuto
Summary: Kei was chained to the bottom of a pool, and no matter how hard he thrashed and yanked and pulled and screamed, he couldn’t get his head above water. Eventually he stopped trying and allowed the water to fill his lungs. He learned how to survive. He grew gills, but they were lined with thorns. It was the only way he knew how to stay alive.Yamaguchi knew that Kei was chained to the bottom of the pool, but he held his breath and swam down there with him anyways. He didn’t leave him to wither and prune by himself. Kei would never be able convey how grateful he was for that.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 45





	1. Compass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi this is me projecting onto Tsukki but it's not ooc which says a lot about me lol. Also TW for light drug use but don't worry it's just this chapter. I hope you enjoy <3

If I don't have you with me, I'm alone  
You know I never know which way to go  
I think I need you with me for all-time

-Compass/The Neighbourhood

Kei jerked awake.

Like someone wrapped twine around his brain and yanked, hard. 

He was shaking like a flower in a storm, trying desperately to cling to its roots. He realized he was gasping for air, unable to gather a breath large enough to fill his lungs. 

He had the dream again. The dream where he wasn’t broken, his family was whole, he felt normal. It has been years since he had that dream. But over time, his world chipped away piece by piece until there was nothing left. Ever since then, it has felt like he’s underwater. Kei was chained to the bottom of a pool, and no matter how hard he thrashed and yanked and pulled and screamed, he couldn’t get his head above water. Eventually he stopped trying and allowed the water to fill his lungs. He learned how to survive. He grew gills, but they were lined with thorns. It was the only way he knew how to stay alive.

He hated himself.

At first, it was all consuming. He would look at people around him, kids at school, teammates, everyone looked so _happy._ Kei thought it was unfair. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t be happy too. Eventually he got used to it. That didn’t make it hurt less, but the pain twisted from a knife in his heart into a dull ache that he felt all around him. At least it was easier to ignore that way. 

When he looked at himself in the mirror, there was a dark cloud above him. It was gray and swirling and teeming with awful thoughts and emotions. It rained down on him everyday. A torrential downpour of bitterness. That’s why he loved the rain so much. Everyone else felt the same way he did, if only for a few hours. That’s what he told himself anyways. 

Kei got up, ignoring the trembling in his legs. At this point, it was more annoying than anything else. He looked out the window. Dark clouds were beginning to gather, quieting the gentle light of the moon.

It’s going to rain tomorrow. 

________________

Kei woke up with the sheets twisted all around him, a product of his restlessness. It was so hard to sleep. Why was it so hard to sleep? His body wanted to so bad, so why didn’t his mind let him?

He ignored the tired ache in his skull and dragged his waterlogged body out of bed.

When he was eventually ready and made it down the stairs, he tried to sneak out the door unnoticed. 

“Kei where are you going? I told you I needed to speak with you,” his mother called.

“Right. What is it?”

She rolled her eyes at her son’s perpetually bitter attitude. She didn’t understand that she was part of the reason for it. “You’re going to your father’s this weekend,” she snapped, not looking up from her laptop.

“But I-”

“No. If you keep making up bullshit excuses to not go, your father is going to take me to court. I would very much like to avoid seeing that man ever again, so do as you're told for once. I shouldn’t even have to explain this to you,” she said, finally looking up with a glare.

Kei considered his options. He could say what he’s really thinking: ‘you think I want to see him either?’, or he could say what she wants to hear: ‘yes mom’. He went with option three, ignoring her. 

After a few more angry words and twisted stares were exchanged, Kei was on his way to school.

It didn’t rain that day.

________________

“Hi Tsukki!” Yamaguchi cheered. Much too loud for Kei’s splitting headache, he visibly winced. Yamaguchi practically deflated, “oh I didn’t mean to-”

“Shut up Yamaguchi,” Kei replied without letting him finish. 

Kei faced forward, walking in step with Yamaguchi. He shortened his strides so that the shorter boy could keep up with him, a silent apology. Kei hoped he understood. Prayed to the gods he didn’t believe in that he understood.

Kei had a blistering fear that one day, the only person who ever made him feel real would leave him. The only person that knew him. The only person that accepted the fucked up version of a human he was. Yamaguchi knew that Kei was chained to the bottom of the pool, but he held his breath and swam down there with him anyways. He didn’t leave him to wither and prune by himself. Kei would never be able convey how grateful he was for that. 

But if he left one day, Kei wouldn’t blame him in the slightest. Kei felt like a disease. The last thing in the world he wanted to do was infect Yamaguchi. Maybe he should leave.

Kei wishes he wasn’t so shit with words.

“You haven’t listened to a word I said, have you?” Yamaguchi nudged, exasperated.

“Uh-”

“It’s okay. I’ll start over,” He spoke with a smile. The smile that coated Kei’s heart in honey.

 _Thank you, thank you, thank you._ The words got stuck in his throat like always.

________________  
  


He was eating lunch with the other third years. He didn’t want to. He endured it because Yamaguchi was there. That’s why he did anything, really. 

Hinata was snapping his fingers in Kei’s face.

“What?” He deadpanned.

“I’ve been trying to get your attention for like five minutes!” He glanced down at Kei’s drink with a retching noise, “ugh how do you drink Diet Coke? It’s nasty.”

Kei looked down at his drink. “Regular Coke is too sweet. I can practically feel my teeth rotting. Is there anything you actually wanted to say to me?” 

“Of course you would say that,” Hinata mumbled, “I was gonna ask if you wanted to come to Kageyama’s with me and Yamaguchi tomorrow, but you know what? Nevermind.”

Kei wasn’t surprised. Why would they want him there anyways? He-

“Stop thinking so hard. You’re coming, asshole,” Kageyama pushed Hinata’s head down to speak to Kei from the other side of the bench. That led to Hinata flailing under Kageyama’s grasp and their typical bickering started.

For once, Kei was thankful for their irritating fights. He had a moment to think. How did Kageyama get so observant? Beyond all logical reasoning, he had actually matured over the past few years. 

“Hey, whatcha thinking about?” Yamaguchi bumped shoulders with Kei.

“Just thinking about how, against all laws of the universe, Kageyama is ever so slightly less of a moron than he used to be.” 

Yamaguchi giggled, music to Kei’s ears. He loved Yamaguchi’s laugh. He would move mountains to hear that laugh. 

“Shut the fuck up!” Kageyama yelled.

Kei rolled his eyes.

“So you’re coming tomorrow night?” Yamaguchi asked, trying and failing to contain his glee. Kei couldn’t help but smile a little bit at that.

“Yeah… only if we watch that new polar bear documentary,” he smirked.

“Stop it nerd! We’re having a Paranormal Activity marathon!” Hinata huffed.

Fine, Kei can live with that. But only because it will be way too amusing to see Hinata and Yamaguchi act like toddlers at the jumpscares. 

All of the sudden, Kei remembered his conversation with his mother that morning. He had to go to his fucking dad’s house. This was the perfect excuse. Less time with his dad. He’ll go to his dad’s tonight, stay tomorrow and make him drive him to Kageyama’s on saturday. Everything will work out. It’ll be fine.

“I uh, might be a bit late. I’m gonna be out of town until tomorrow night,” Kei mumbled. The two idiots barely registered what he said, nodding before getting back to whatever stupid fight or competition they were on about. 

Yamaguchi’s eyes widened. “Are you going to your dad’s?” He whispered. 

Kei only nodded and looked away. He didn’t want to see the pity swimming in his friend’s eyes. He knew how much Kei hated his father. Kei avoided him at all costs. His presence was like a boulder on Kei’s shoulders. Always looking down on him, lecturing him, telling him what to do with his life and how to do it. Nothing he ever did was good enough. 

“It’ll be fine. Just one day.” 

Yamaguchi only nodded.

________________

After practice Kei and Yamaguchi made their way home together like always.

“Wanna get some snacks for the train? Or maybe some candy? How about a Diet Coke?” Yamaguchi giggled at the last one he said. Upon hearing it, the knot of anxiety in his chest loosened a bit. 

“Yeah. Maybe I will get a Diet Coke,” Kei bit back a smile but Yamaguchi saw through him. They both laughed as they made their way to the shop.

The two boys were standing in front of Yamaguchi’s house. The shorter boy was shuffling his feet, and Kei was waiting for him to say whatever was on his mind.

“So, um, text me! I’m not doing anything today, like if you get bored or something. Or if you wanna complain about how your dad is making you read another book about the intricacies of the Japanese economy. Or if you wanna talk about that new polar bear documentary… or something,” Yamaguchi rambles and scratches the back of his neck. Kei finds it way too endearing for it to be healthy. He snorts.

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow Yamaguchi,” Kei waves.

“See ya! Prepare yourself for the spooky marathon!”

At least he has something to look forward to.

Once back home, he packed his bag and said a curt goodbye to his mother. The train ride to his dad’s house was only an hour, and he passed the time by pulling on his headphones and looking out the window at the blur of houses and trees. He listened to the playlist Yamaguchi made him for his last birthday- _For Tsukki_ , it was filled with all of their favorite songs ever since they were kids. As he drank his Diet Coke, he couldn’t help but think that it tasted just a little bit sweeter. He didn’t mind.

________________

Kei was standing on the porch, wringing his hands painfully. He was working up the nerve to go inside. He underestimated how much he really didn’t want to be here. It had been a few months since he last came, but it ended in hours of lectures, a screaming match (that Kei lost), and a panic attack. So yeah, he didn’t really want to be here.

Eventually the door opened for him. “Kei,” his father stepped to the side and let him in. “Why were you just standing out there? Nevermind that. I’m glad you were finally able to make it,” his father spoke in his gruff voice. “I just got back from work, what do you want for dinner? I can order something, whatever you want,” his father looked at him. This is how it always started. His father was nice enough, accommodating, ‘glad’ to see him.

“Thai?” 

“Sure.” 

They waited for their meal with idle small talk and strained silences. Everything was fine. But Kei’s stomach dropped when he saw his father pour a whiskey when the food came.

“You know, you can have some if you’d like,” Kei’s father offered. 

Kei considered his options, as he always does with his parents. Maybe a whiskey would make the rest of this night a bit more bearable? But the taste is so awful, he doubted he could get it down. Kei’s convinced it’s poison. It makes his father so much meaner. But maybe that’s just who he really is, the whiskey simply ‘lowering inhibitions’ and all. Kei shook his head.

They ate with a little more small talk, and as Kei was getting up to do the dishes, his father cleared his throat. “Kei, hold on. Sit down,” he motioned towards the chair.

Kei did his best to look as passive as possible. In reality, he was putting up his strongest shields, mentally preparing himself for whatever barrage of bullshit his father was going to let loose on him. 

“Have you read the book I gave to you last time you were here?”

Kei nodded. His father eyed him.

“Really? Tell me three things you learned then son,” Kei’s father said expectantly, both of them knowing damn well Kei didn’t read the book.

“I-” Kei began, wracking his brain for something about the economy that was vague enough.

“And don’t you fucking lie to me,” Kei’s father warned.

Kei’s mouth snapped shut. There was no point in even trying.

“I’m not surprised. I really ask so little of you Kei! When will you learn to fucking listen? You are my _son._ I will not allow you to throw your life away.” He slammed his fist on the table. “Why do you insist on making me so angry? I know you are capable of doing what I expect of you.”  
  
The lecture started off logical. Yeah, he didn’t read the book about the Japanese fucking economy. But then the lecture became more and more hurtful. Words like _worthless_ and _disappointment_ were said. Kei winced. He tried his best to tune him out, but he couldn’t. His father was dousing his insecurities in gasoline and proceeded to light the match. All of this for a book? Eventually, Kei’s father stormed out, leaving Kei stunned in the kitchen, feeling so impossibly small in his seat.

He clutched at his chest, at the pain he felt there. He needed to get to his room before his father saw how broken he made him. He would not show him weakness. Kei stood up on shaky legs and dragged himself down the hall and up the stairs. Once he made it to his room he collapsed in a ball, curling in on himself. He wanted to scream and cry and sob so badly but he couldn’t. The tears wouldn’t come. They haven’t in so long. So the emotions just boil through his veins, burning him. He wanted to let them out, but he didn’t know how. So he felt it all, and on nights like this he could only describe it as agonizing. 

Kei didn’t know how long he laid there, but the pain didn't subside. He considered calling Yamaguchi. He would fix this, remind him to breathe, stitch him back together, but he decided not to. The voice in Kei’s head that tells him he’ll leave if he bothers him with his brokenness again wins.

Kei got up, stumbling on his bent up legs. He went into the bathroom and looked at his reflection. The dark cloud was there like always, except it was worse this time, bigger. He looked sickly pale and there were bags under his bloodshot eyes. He looked like a corpse. It was fucking disgusting. He wanted to punch the mirror, but that would result in another lecture. He bumped the medicine cabinet and a bottle of pills tumbled out. Kei inspects. The bottle said something about taking it ‘for pain’. He considered, rolling the bottle around in his palm. Slowly he opened it and took one out. He brought the pill close to his eye. It was kind of large and stark white. _I’m in pain._ He was wrestling with his thoughts. What does he have to lose? The worst thing that could happen was he didn’t feel anything. Or his dad noticed one was gone. He glanced up and saw three more bottles just like it. Scratch that, his dad wouldn’t notice. The best thing that could happen was numbing the pain for a little bit. He nodded to himself. He glanced in the mirror again, _I already look like a fucking drug addict, why not do some drugs? Fuck it._

Kei took the pill.

He laid on his bed, looking up at the ceiling. He felt wonderfully numb, just a light buzzing in his limbs. It felt like he was floating a bit, warm and content. _This is such a nice feeling,_ he smiled to himself. He watched the polar bear documentary and laughed.

________________

Kei woke up to his father pounding at his door.

“Kei! Wake up! You can’t sleep all day. We’re going to the-”

“I’m up,” Kei stopped him. He looked at the clock, it was only ten a.m.. Why did he act like it was two in the afternoon? Kei rolled his eyes and got ready.

Kei stepped into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He opened the medicine cabinet and looked at the pill bottle again. Before he could think about it too hard, he took two pills and put them in his pocket.

His father is fucking insufferable. Kei was wholeheartedly convinced. All he’s done today was insult his mother (not that she’s a saint) and criticize Kei. It was only twelve, how was he supposed to get through four more hours and an hour long car ride with this man? 

He didn’t blame his mother for never wanting to see him again.

At two his willpower left him and he took one of the pills.

At three he was nodding along blindly to his father’s comments and insults. His father looked pleased, so was Kei.

________________

They arrived at Kageyama’s house and Kei’s father turned to him, “Well, thank you for coming Kei. I might have been a bit hard on you but I know you’re strong,” Kei fights the urge to laugh. “I’ll see you soon.” Kei nodded and got out for ‘mandatory team bonding’ or whatever bullshit lie he told his dad so he would let him go.

He walked up the driveway and it took all his concentration not to totter to the ground, because it still felt like he was floating away.

He raised his hand to knock but Yamaguchi was there swinging the door open before he got the chance. Kei was confused, “... isn’t this… Kageyama’s house?” He asked dumbly.

Yamaguchi gave him a weird look, then laughed. “Um yeah idiot!” He said in between giggles. Kei giggled too. Yamaguchi froze. Kageyama and Hinata coming up from behind froze too, all staring at Kei. Kei stopped laughing and felt the six eyeballs looking at him. 

“What?” He asked uncomfortably.

“He giggled,” Hinata points.

“Yeah, he giggled,” Kageyama agreed.

“What the fu- Tsukki you just fucking giggled!” Yamaguchi exclaimed.

“Wait I giggled? I don’t remember giggling,” Kei looked down at his hands and looked at the other three. Seriously, he did not remember giggling.

“Yo, what the fuck is wrong with you? Just come inside,” Kageyama grumbles with a slight smile.

They ordered pizza and ate it in the living room because Kageyama’s parents weren’t home. They were halfway through Paranormal Activity 2 when Hinata announced that he was bored and they should take a break. Silently, Kei thanked him. His mind was doing a terrible job of focusing on the movie, and he had no idea what was going on. 

“I know! Let’s play a game! Like truth or dare… or like um…” Hinata trailed off, thinking. 

Kageyama smacked him, “what are you, five?” They started bickering over what they should do, and Yamaguchi turned to him, “hey, can I talk to you?” he asked quietly.

Kei nodded. He wondered what Yamaguchi wanted to talk to him about as he led him to the hall. He put his arms out and touched both walls as they walked, and the texture felt weird on his fingertips. 

Kei smiled at him, but Yamaguchi gave him a strange look. “Did everything go okay at your dad’s? You never texted me back so I was kinda worried but I didn’t want to pry. And now you’re acting super weird,” Yamaguchi eyed him closely, “like you have this hazy look in your eyes.”

Kei took a moment to comprehend all that was just said to him, and did his best to formulate a coherent answer. “Well, my dad is an asshole. He picked at my insecurities and was so cruel I thought he broke me,” Kei laughs, “but then I-” _what the fuck am I doing? I sound fucking crazy!_ He mentally slapped himself. “But then I… went to bed. And it was fine so… yeah.”

Yamaguchi’s eyes practically bulged out of his head. Yamaguchi grabbed Kei’s shoulders and shook him, and he quickly lost his balance and fell onto the shorter boy. As they tumbled to the ground, Yamaguchi grabbed Kei’s face with both hands. 

“Are you- are you fucking high?” Yamaguchi screeched, much to loud. Kei slapped a palm over his mouth.

“Shut up! And no! I-I- why the fuck would I be high?”

Yamaguchi ripped Kei’s hand off his mouth. “I don’t know! Why the fuck would you be high?” He whisper-yelled.

_Maybe because my dad made me feel like shit. Maybe because he picked and prodded at everything I hate about myself for hours and left me sitting at the kitchen table like a dirty dish for someone else to clean. Maybe because I laid on my floor curled in on myself for god knows how long trying to hold myself together but I couldn’t. Maybe because-_

“Oh, Kei,” Yamaguchi whispered, his palms coming up to cup his face. “Kei look at me. Please, just breathe.”

Kei was reeling, “did I just say that out loud?” he whispered, barely audible. He was shaking.

“It’s alright, I’m here now,” Yamaguchi took one hand to rub circles on Kei’s back. “Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve helped you, you know that right?”

Kei looked away. He couldn’t stand that look on Yamaguchi’s face, pity and concern. He put it there. It was all his fault. “I-I know that. I just… I didn’t want to bother you with my problems.”

“How many times do I have to tell you that you’re not a bother? I care about you so much. You could kill a man and I’d help you bury the body,” Yamaguchi softly smiled.

Kei wanted to thank him again and again but all he managed was a quiet, “I really don’t deserve you.” 

Kei and Yamaguchi laid there for a while, the latter rubbing circles on his back until the shaking subsided. They sat up.

“Now tell me about whatever drug you’re high on,” Yamaguchi smirked.

“Oh, that,” Kei started wringing his fingers, but Yamaguchi stopped him. “It said it stopped pain or whatever and I already look like a drug addict so I said whatever and I took it. It was pretty fucking stupid.”

“Yeah it was pretty fucking stupid.”

“But it worked.”

“It worked?”

“It didn’t hurt anymore.”

Yamaguchi hums. “Well don’t go getting addicted to drugs or I’ll murder you myself. Got it? Like I’m not even kidding Tsukki. Don’t. Ever. Do it. Again. Call me. Got it?” 

“Got it,” Kei mumbled. 

“And you don’t look like a fucking drug addict, idiot! You’re tall and blond and beautiful kinda like an angel or someth-”

“Hey what’s this about an angel? I hope you’re not talking about salty over there because you’d be wildly incorrect,” Kageyama spouts, trampling down the hallway with Hinata in tow. 

Kei ignored Kageyama’s comment, too busy trying to catch his breath after what Yamaguchi just said. His chest filled with warmth and his heart fluttered. A bird was trapped in his ribcage, singing loudly and beating its wings with all its might, trying to escape. Kei smiled, a real smile, not one because he was high or faking it. A real fucking smile. Yamaguchi was glowing. He threw his arms around Kei and dragged him to the floor, rolling and laughing and holding him tight.

“Get up fools! After much deliberation we have decided to return to the movie marathon,” Hinata yelled, jumping up and down.

Kei snorted. “I’m surprised you even know what deliberation means.”

“Hey stop it! I’ve been working on my vocabulary and-”

“Yeah, yeah, let’s go,” Kageyama grumbled, pushing Hinata back the way they came. He turned and threw a glance at the two on the floor. “You too guys.”

Kei stood and helped Yamaguchi up. They settled back into their movie watching spots, but this time, Kei sat a little bit closer to Yamaguchi.

He would be okay, he thought, as long as he had Yamaguchi by his side.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for this trash y'all :/ also i'm sorry tsukki you deserve better 

_Cursed forever, to_

_Sleep on a twin-sized mattress_

_In somebody’s attic or basement my whole life_

_Never graduating up in size to add another_

_And my nightmares will have nightmares every night_

-Twin Size Mattress/ The Front Bottoms

Kei woke up in a tangle of blankets on the living room floor next to Yamaguchi. He admired the boy’s face, the orange morning glow framing his soft features. The sun was hitting his freckles, making them look like a beautiful pattern dancing across his tanned skin. For as much as Yamaguchi hated his freckles, Kei loved them tenfold. He wanted to reach out and trace them with his ghostly fingertips, he wanted Yamaguchi to see the beauty in them the way Kei did. 

His train of longing thoughts were interrupted by rustling on the couch. He looked over and saw Kageyama and Hinata there, a mess of limbs and a shared blanket. Kageyama met Kei’s eyes, and he held a finger up to his lips. Kei nodded, but gestured towards the two of them with a raised brow. Kageyama mouthed, ‘it’s not like that!’ but it came out as a little louder than he had hoped.

“Yama?” Hinata rubbed his eyes and looked up sleepily at the black haired boy from his place on his chest.

“Get off Hinata,” Kageyama said gruffly, shoving him away. Kei didn’t miss the blush on Kageyama’s face, however much he tried to hide it. 

Kei chuckled softly at the odd situation unfolding in front of him. When Hinata started bickering with Kageyama, Yamaguchi still didn’t stir at all. He was such a heavy sleeper, the house could be on fire and he would have no clue. 

“Yamaguchi, wake up,” Kei said, shaking his shoulder. Nothing. “Yamaguchi, wake up!” Kei said again, louder.

“Wait, I got this,” Hinata said, crawling across the floor towards them. He flopped on top of the sleeping boy, “get up, sleeping beauty!” Yamaguchi finally started waking up, giggling and shoving hinata off him. 

“Ew morning breath,” Yamaguchi complained to Hinata.

“Kageyama said the same thing! Is it really that bad?” He held his hand up to his mouth and wrinkled his nose. “I’m… gonna go brush my teeth.” Hinata scrambled away and towards the bathroom.

The three boys in the room couldn’t help but laugh.

They helped Kageyama clean up before thanking him and heading home. Kei felt the warm morning sun on his face, and he tilted his head back to feel the breeze on his skin. He felt content, Yamaguchi walking by his side.

“I’m glad you came,” Yamaguchi grinned, bumping Kei’s shoulder.

“Yeah, me too,” Kei grinned back.

________________

The meager amount of goodness that came from his evening at Kageyama’s dissipated so abruptly Kei worried he might have whiplash. 

He was greeted by his mother when he arrived back home with a, “how’s your bastard father doing?”

“Just as bastardy as ever, but you’re the one who made me fucking go there,” Kei muttered, rolling his eyes.

“Don’t you fucking swear at me Kei! You know, I’m getting pretty sick of your fucking attitude. All you do is take and take and take! This is how you are going to treat your mother? Blaming me for everything?” She sputtered, stomping over to him.

 _Okay, what the fuck? I just did this with dad, now her too? I can’t catch a fucking break_. Before Kei had a chance to consider what to say next, his mouth opened for him, “He’s an asshole! Both of you guys treat me like shit! When you aren’t treating me like shit, you act like I don’t exist!” Oh no. That is not what he meant to say. “I didn’t mean-”

Kei’s mother slapped him. He felt the stinging in his cheek, and he brought his hand up to his face, feeling the hot skin there. He knew he fucked up, he definitely should not have said that. What was he thinking?

He stood there silently and took her berating lecture, just like always. 

Kei went to his room and punched his pillow six or sixteen or sixty times, he lost count. He definitely wasn’t going to take the pill burning a hole through his jeans, so he got up and flushed it down the toilet before he could give it another second’s consideration. Kei thought about calling Yamaguchi, but at this point he really _would_ be annoying. Yamaguchi just helped him ten hours ago and all. So he laid down on his bed and stared at the ceiling that got old seventeen years ago. He closed his eyes and let his thoughts fill with a certain greenish-brown haired boy.

________________

Kei left the next morning without a word to his mother. He saw Yamaguchi and it was like he remembered how to breathe again. 

“Hi Yamaguchi,” Kei said quietly.

“Hi Tsukki! How was your Sunday?” Yamaguchi asked innocently, a smile beaming across his face.

Kei didn’t want to disturb the boy's happiness, so he lied. “It was fine, I just did some homework.”

“Nice! What a good student, little Tsukki,” Yamaguchi grinned, reaching up to ruffle his hair.

“Oh don’t you dare,” Kei warned, grabbing the shorter boy’s wrist with a smirk. 

“Tsukkiiii you never let me ruffle your hair! Hinata lets me do it all the time! Come on, it feels nice!” Yamaguchi pleaded.

“No way. And I’m not Hinata! And no it _doesn’t_ feel good, Kuroo and Bokuto do it to me all the time whenever I see them and I hate it,” Tsukki argued, rolling his eyes.

“Well I’m not Kuroo or Bokuto…” Yamaguchi trailed off meekly.

At that moment, Kei became very aware of the thin wrist he was holding in his hand. He dropped it quickly as an uncomfortable silence settled over them, like they were both itching to say something but the words wouldn’t come out.

Luckily, the school was in view, and Hinata and Kageyama were racing around the corner. For once, Tsukishima was grateful for the two idiots' antics. They easily distracted the awkward pair, and Yamaguchi fell into step with them, talking and laughing about something while Kei was left behind.

He made his way through an uneventful practice and morning classes, but the moment earlier that morning wouldn’t leave his mind. All he could think about was Yamaguchi’s warm wrist in his hand, and he couldn’t help but wish he had his fingers laced between his own instead. 

________________

That afternoon, as Kei walked to the gym with Yamaguchi for practice, they were stopped by someone. That someone being a pale girl with big eyes and long, brown, pin-straight hair. She was beautiful, objectively speaking.

“Y-Yamaguchi-Kun? C-could I talk to you for a second?” She asked shyly.

Kei eyed the small heart shaped box in her hands, _ugh a confession._ Kei got his fair share of those over the years, but he always turned them down. He just was never interested in the girls that confessed to him, for whatever reason. He kissed a few just to kiss them, and that was fine he thought. But he never really felt anything with them at all, which he certainly didn’t mind. It would just be another person to get disappointed in him when they realized he wasn’t good enough. He figured Yamaguchi never accepted them either, because he never talked about any girls to him, although he didn’t see the boy get confessions very often.

Kei excused himself, disappearing around the corner. He stayed to listen, pretending he was simply waiting for Yamaguchi instead of desperately waiting for the rejection. 

“Hi Aiko-San,” Kei could practically hear the smile in Yamaguchi’s voice. He silently cursed for putting himself through the misery of listening to this, but he couldn’t will his legs to walk away. Yamaguchi was going to reject her anyways.

“Hi,” the girl, Aiko-San, giggled. “I- um, I really like being around you… and you’re really funny, and sweet! And you just make everyone smile all the time,” Kei couldn’t help but agree with her, “oh my gosh I’m rambling… and well I was wondering if you would like to go out with me?” Thank god, it’s almost over.

“I ramble all the time too! It’s okay. And, I would. I would like to go out with you,” Yamaguchi replied, coupled with nervous laughter.

Kei’s heart dropped out of his chest and onto the floor with a splat. His brain was practically short circuiting. “What?” He said aloud in disbelief. That disbelief was quickly replaced with dread, followed by heartbreak. Why was _he_ heartbroken? He had no right to be heartbroken.

He heard giggles and footsteps coming his way, he had to move fast before they saw him. The quickest escape route, the East stairwell. He ran up, up, up, as fast as his trembling legs could take him, and burst through the door to the roof.

He let himself crumple, collapsing onto the cement floor in a heap. He was panting, breathless from a combination of running up the stairs and feeling like his whole world just came crashing down around him. 

_Why do I feel like this? It’s not like he’s mine. Do I want him to be?_

Kei didn’t want to answer that. That would make his feelings real, which was the last thing he needed right now. He wanted to bury those feelings six feet under, but that was impossible. Impossible because he just realized something terrible. Something so awful he wanted to vomit. He realized that all these feelings he has felt for Yamaguchi since they were kids; the warmth Kei felt when he saw Yamaguchi smile, when Kei wanted to protect him with every ounce of strength he had, when the only reason he got up in the morning was to see Yamaguchi’s face,

_it was love._

_I’m in love with my best friend. And I realized it the second he got a fucking girlfriend._

Kei rolled over onto his back and stared up at the sky. The sun was out, but all he saw was grey. The cloud above him was raining down so hard he felt like his skin was bruising. Perhaps it was hail.

________________

By the time Kei was able to peel himself off the concrete, he was thirty minutes late to practice. _I guess I’ll say I had to shit or something._ He ran down the stairs and over to the club room as fast as possible. He changed and slammed open the door only to be face to face with the person he wanted to see the least at that very moment. 

“Tsukki? I was about to grab my phone and call you because you didn’t show up. Where were you?” Yamaguchi asked, face full of concern.

Kei smartly decided to lie, “I was shitting, sorry Mr.Captain,” He joked. The words were a little strained but he tried to be as nonchalant as possible. Yamaguchi could always see right through him. Before he was given a chance to reply, Kei brushed past him, going down to the gym. 

_This is fine, everything is fine, I just have to get through practice, and then I can go punch my mirror or throw up or do something else that’s equally self destructive,_ Kei thought to himself.

Although it wasn’t fine, because at that exact moment, a stupid first year Kei didn’t bother to learn the name of slammed straight into him in an effort to recieve a ball. Kei stumbled over his feet before crashing to the ground. 

“Fuck!” Kei yelled, clutching his ankle in pain.

“Tsukishima-senpai, I’m so sorry! I didn’t see you, I’m so sorry!” The first year babbled over and over. Soon enough, a crowd gathered, but Coach Ukai and Yamaguchi pushed through.

Yamaguchi immediately fell to his knees, grabbing Kei’s hand. Even through his pain, Kei’s heart fluttered. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“That kid ran into me and I fucked up my ankle,” Kei grumbled, fighting back tears of pain in the corners of his eyes.

“Can you stand?” Ukai asked.

“No,” Kei scoffed. Yamaguchi grabbed his arm and Kagayama swooped in on the other side, lifting him and supporting his weight. Ukai instructed them to bring Kei to his car while simultaneously cancelling practice. 

Ukai brought the three boys to the hospital which Kei thought was ridiculous, some ice and a bandage would be fine. He said this much as they waited for his x-rays.

The doctor stepped in, looking over his chart. “Looks like a clean break, so it should heal in about six to eight weeks. You’ll be wearing a boot and using crutches, but don’t worry. You’ll be back to playing volleyball in no time.”

“Break?” The four in the room parotted in shock.

“Yes, break.” The doctor repeated. The doctor went over some more information but Kei didn’t hear a word. It felt like there was cotton filling up his head, it took all his strength to keep it upright. The doctor put the boot on and spoke with his mother when she finally arrived. She looked frazzled, and she kept glancing at Kei out of worry. Maybe she felt bad for yesterday. Probably not.

His mother thanked Ukai and the other boys for their help, and Kei nodded to them. Yamaguchi looked as though he wanted to stay something, but Kei avoided his gaze as he awkwardly left on his crutches. The car ride was silent, but once they got inside Kei’s mother turned to him. “Kei are you alright?”

“No,” he choked out, “I’m not alright at all,” he sobbed. For the first time in maybe seven years, Kei cried. He cried for being in love with Yamaguchi and the fact that he got a stupid girlfriend. He cried for all the times his father made him feel like shit, and he cried for the times his mom did it too. He cried because his ankle hurt. He cried because he hated himself. 

The hail continued to hammer away on his fragile skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi follow me on insta @isimpforbokuto if u wanna see my weird annoying posts about haikyuu and other tingz


End file.
